Thursday, April 22, 2010

My thoughts on Marriage :)


Marriage - An interesting topic to debate on any given day. The first thing that comes to our mind when we talk on marriage is whether its arranged or love :) I am going to discuss both but my main emphasis is not on which is better but on how to live to ensure a happy relationship exists to the extent possible. The information has been gathered from multiple sources and I will leave it to your assumption whether it also includes my experience or not :)

And also the reason I am writing this is to have clarity on my thoughts about marriage and I welcome all suggestions :)

Marriage can happen either way – arranged or love. Let me talk about love marriage now. I will discuss two variations of love marriage. Let me begin the first one. In some cases they say love happens at first sight. You look at someone and your instinct says I want to marry her. And let me tell you in such scenarios the girl or the boy will always be good looking else I am very sure what I refer to as instinct will never tell you the same when you look at not so good looking boy or girl :) Ok fine, now let us assume a guy’s instinct says yes and he proposes. The girl might take some time before saying a yes or no. Now what happens in this waiting phase? The guy is convinced that the girl is made for her and decides to wait. The girl starts thinking from all perspectives and tries to arrive at a conclusion based on her interests and the guy’s capability to take care of her interests. If the differences are less and not that major she might say a yes soon leading to marriage. If there are many differences or conflicts of interests which are substantial things take more time. What happens now? Since the guy made the initial proposal he starts to compromise a bit to ensure things go fine. Let’s say the girl wants to stay separate from in-laws after marriage. The guy though reluctant might relent to ensure he marries her. So the process of compromise or sacrificing your ideals or value system sets in. The guy starts to yield more than the girl since he made the initial proposal. (If it girl proposes first she will yield more) And it more or less becomes a pattern. The guy justifies these compromises saying it is worth for the love. After more analysis the girl says yes and they finally get married. Now let us consider post marriage scenario. The pattern of guy compromising has set in and it continues for a while. It’s all good for a while before the frustration sets to creep in. The guy starts wondering why he has to yield all the time. The ego sets in. He begins opposing. The girl who has hardly compromised till date starts complaining that her husband has changed and he is not the same as he used to be. No way can she accept her husband’s changed approach. Conflicts occur frequently since both of them are not in a position to manage. And eventually things spiral out of control leading to unhealthy outcome.

Now let me dwell on another form of love marriage. In this guy and girl are initially friends. The relationship begins with friendship. There will be constant interactions and you get to know more of each other. After a while either of them might feel that their interests are similar and begins thinking in terms of love and marriage. He or she might propose and the other party might say a yes or no. In this scenario it may not take much time to decide as they already know each other. It might end abruptly as well. For example the girl might say a strict no conveying she never looked him from that angle and she always thought you as the best friend :) or it might end positively. Let us say it ends positively. Now consider post marriage scenario. By this time more or less the platform for a good life has been laid as they were friends before and know in and out of each other. Compromises will also be there but it will be evenly balanced. In this way the relationship is more secured and the probability of leading a good life is high. I am not saying things will be hundred percent fine. All I am trying to convey it the failure rate will be low.

Now let me come to arranged marriage. A guy goes to see a girl and if the girl is good looking and if he feels positive with whatever little interaction he had with the girl he will say a yes for marriage. Post marriage if the differences are fewer things will go smooth. If the conflict of interests is more, then both will make an attempt to compromise. This is more because of societal and parental pressure. They somehow ensure things don’t go out of control. And it continues. The success rate of marriage judged in terms of getting divorced is less but to what extent the quality of life they lead is open for judgment. It all depends on the extent to which one has compromised. If the compromise is balanced they will lead a good life.

Now what’s the best option? Personally I would prefer the second form of love marriage (initially friends where in you get to know each other and then decide to marry) to arranged marriage and the first form of love marriage (you look at girl and instinctively feel she is your love) comes last in my priority.

Irrespective of the kind of marriage the essential thing in sustaining a good relation is the art of compromise. Nobody here is made for each other. Everyone will have their own interests and perspectives on many issues. Hence it is highly essential to balance these conflicts by compromising. Things will go wrong when this balance on compromises is skewed to an extreme (Either the guy compromises too much or the girl). And one more essential aspect is giving respect to your spouse interests. It implies not imposing your viewpoint or thoughts or actions on the other. I really feel that giving respect to the person as they are and compromising whenever situation arises is essential to the success of any kind of marriage. I know it is easier said but giving it a try won't do any harm either.

That’s it folks. This is my take on marriage. Any suggestions you are most welcome. If you don’t want to discuss it in blog you can mail me anytime :)

P.S: I am still a bachelor :)

17 comments:

Pratiba Bhat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

recently saw a movie -ಗಣೇಶ ಮತ್ತೆ ಬಂದ(or similar title) .. even there same theme is discussed..

Sharath said...

I agree completely..

What if the response from boy/girl ends negatively in the second form of love marriage, u may explore this in ur next blog as I see more % of people falling into this category rather to the success rate.
Like to see ur answer in the next blog by this people falling into this category may get some solutions :)

Vinay S, Associate Profesor and Head, Dept of CSE, PESITM, Shivamogga said...

Yes Sharath.. Sure.. My next blog will explore on this front.. :)

Veekshith said...

Sir, nice thoughts on marriage
Post is very interesting one and I really appreciate it.

raghavan said...

I was expecting this writeup from you.as you are in that phase of life.
well, Lemme tell the readers am married albeit just recently ;)
at first lemme appreciate vinay for using the word "Instinct" which is appropriate.."basic instinct" would have been still better.
I would like to see the whole topic in different light.
Basically its a relation,in the human life a person will have different kinds of relations!
here I would like bring the classification, relation where we had choice and where haven't. lemme not talk about the thing where we don't have the choice, typically human tend make difference ( good /bad) only when he/she has the choice infront of him.

here's an interesting dichotomy friend or spouse!

In most of the cases we would have selected our friends before spouse.all though we in India believe in making the choice of spouse only once ( even its said for seven lives...which am not sure of!).Let us think of how have me made our friends,and how many of us still have all friendship intact.intersting thing to note here we have made friends in different stages of our life.which may be indication of our growth of the personality that we are today!

Here comes the crux, mate-ship(dhampathya) is an complete superset of friendship., all that i mean matrimonial relation ship has couple of shades which makes us to percieve it an all the different way than friendship. those are instinct ( physicall attraction) and its outcome and the other thing its an a social(/&) economical liability.as of my understanding goes getting in love tangle is very much similar to getting into to friendship but with added physical attraction quotient (PAQ). Depending upon the PAQ we can term it as Love at first sight or a friend ship that culminated in state of love, so i dont see any rational in deriving that which kind of love marriage will be successful... also I would like tell here that making relationships successful is part of the individual personality which every body should inculcate as they move on. As a thumb rule if an person is able to maintain an healthy friendship ( not just hi/bye) with other for considerable amount of time there is more chance of his marriage being successful.

On the other hand Arranged marriage...Its not like you made friends in your school its some thing like your guardian made an decision for you by putting in a choice of school in your town .Its not that crude as well these days,I have seen typically consent is asked with both boy and girl prior to getting into to it.The advantage here is many heart and brain work together to find the feasibility and sustainablity of the relation thats planned, having said that am not trying to make a point that Arranged marriage will be successful. All that am trying to say its an kind of proccess that has been put together so that better society can be built.
Also as mentioned in the previous case instinct plays a role over here also in fact its as effective as in the love marriage but the good part is the persons involving will be only those two and the remaining will be assessing the other aspects.

I would like to conclude saying, successful relationship of any nature is skill or characteristic of an individual which one has to have it or build it.No one can deny the role insticnt in matrimonial relationship,but one has to look beyond it,which is the key in sustainance. and above all I remember reading it, marriage is an
institution that helps the individual in attaining the " Hrudhya vishalathe " ( I couldnt get the eq phrase in english). where you can speak more in plural than in singular ie using "OUR" in place of "MINE" , using "WE" than "I". and its very nicely paraphrased by an old kannada song "Yellaru Nammavare Jagadhe...". Also realizing the meaning of Love, rather understanding its Dictonary meaning and its physical dimension

Smith said...

Hi,
Very nice sir, good view presented by you.
You can claim ownership on this and can sell to some writer of Bollywood ;) . The 1st part will be super hit and in between put some item number and some action and smart villain then a super hit move :P

I would like to put some thought front, I do not wanna offend or judge on anyone else's thought. :)


I never understood the saying love at first sight! I don't believe that we human beings get this spark or indication of love at first sight. There may be many of them who clam that they had it in them, but still I never get the fact in it. May be I can tell you only after I experience it and am actually hoping it does not happen. Don't wanna just fall in this life long relationship just on the feeling and instinct. (My instinct sucks ;) ). Moreover I think people stating that they experience this may be still drooling on their luck of getting the women based on their hormones and infatuation at the beginning. (Purely my thinking.. no offence to anyone). In a nutshell I think love at 1st sight is impossible because we never realize that instinct.

The send love marriage you stated is I guess what happens most of the time and is the only thing under love marriage. But here on this again I have some different thoughts. Here we are very good friends, know almost all the emotions, the likes and dislikes of each other, share a good chemistry, know the family(if we are lucky) etc.. These all are a good recipe for a future marriage scene. But here aging we should be cautious because once we crossed the friendship line, it almost next to impossible to come back. If anyones(boy/girl) judgment is wrong in approaching the opposite sex and they just like us as friends then there is a problem and then chances to make here understand to be ours or again go back to being friends is very bleak.
On the other hand if successful then all izz well as you said, but although this is the best way or the path to marriage in which I too believe, there is some funny feeling about this because post marriage there will be nothing more interesting in the relationship because we know almost everything about each other, everything and there will be no chemistry left and that may lead to some different odd factors. (If try hard and lucky enough we may maintain the chemistry and all the fun in relationship... human nature is such that we are capable of doing anything ;) ) .


Where as in arrange marriage all the pros weight more than the cons as you mentioned and if there is both understand leading to marriage then post marriage experience will be wonderful :P . We happy, parents happy everyone happy.. what else we need. Happiness persists and everything is great :)).


And as you said all have their differences.. no one is perfect... This was just my views and thoughts there was no offence intended on anyones thoughts and feelings :-D Have fun.

Be well,

-Smith

Vipin Kumar N said...

as usual i read ur blog ...hardly i find some material worthe reading in internet ,and urs is on of them other that from www.saibabaofindia.com.
Try to change that PS: ( why only u sholud be happy :-)) a bit saddist in that

Meera M said...

Good one.. I agree with u.. but cud have brought up the problems in the 2nd kind tooo... after all problems are not exceptional

djd said...

Something seems fishy?Some one is gearing up for one of the forms of marriage ;).I totally agree on your point of view of the love on first sight.Rest iam not quite sure.I feel arranged marriage is still quite workable in the Indian society (After seeing our parents :D).But the question is in the Era of globalization,modernization and westernization is Arrange marriage the best way to go about?

Ashwini said...

just read ur thoughts on marriage....good one...also very true...and ur preferences r perfect...

but in second type of love marriage,one more criteria is needed i,e parents full hearted permission....so it is something like love cum
arranged marriage!!!!

Karthik said...

Interesting comments on marriage, liked your blog post ...job well done.

prateek said...

i wud just say one ting its all destiny ,3 tings are destined birth ,death and maariage

Unknown said...

Cool article, nicely written...i would surely prefer the 3rd form...he he

Anonymous said...

Nice one sir... kinda summed up all the kinds of relationships ive seen over the years...

Arranged or love its upto the individual to make it work...

And i also believe the luck factor plays a vital role(many might disagree on this)

But the choice between love and arranged marriage must be based on one's nature,priorities and up bringing...

For people like me who cant muster up the courage to approach someone(its a totally different thing that i haven't found anyone worth approaching either) and who comes from a family where only arranged marriages are accepted(honeslty if i were a guy... i dont think anyone would have cared!)... Arranged marriages are the best!!! and i like the idea of heart and mind working together here...

So happy love/arranged marriage to all... Wish you guys/gals luck on finding your soulmate :)

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Anonymous said...

Sir,

Though I have very little knowledge, I will share what I came to my mind.
There is this scene in 'Good Will Hunting' when Matt Damon goes for a counselling session to Robin Williams and the dialogue continues like this:

RW : You are not perfect, sport.
RW : [continues] And let me save you the suspense.
RW : [still continuing] This girl you met, isn't perfect either.
RW : [furthermore] But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.

And now-a-days the compatibility which is based on complementary interests is more applicable more than any thing else, I believe. To be precise, the personalities should match. And a very good book by Elsie and Ralph Benedict written way back in 1920s that might be very helpful in this regard is titled, How to Analyze People on Sight. It can be found here[http://thepiratebay.org/torrent/6200401/How_to_Analyze_People_on_Sight-Mantesh]
Also the people at Human Metrics provide these kind of compatibility tests [http://www.humanmetrics.com/infomate/InfoMatePass.asp]
Just my thoughts, nothing else.