My thoughts on Marriage :)

Marriage - An interesting topic to debate on any given day. The first thing that comes to our mind when we talk on marriage is whether its arranged or love :) I am going to discuss both but my main emphasis is not on which is better but on how to live to ensure a happy relationship exists to the extent possible. The information has been gathered from multiple sources and I will leave it to your assumption whether it also includes my experience or not :)

And also the reason I am writing this is to have clarity on my thoughts about marriage and I welcome all suggestions :)

Marriage can happen either way – arranged or love. Let me talk about love marriage now. I will discuss two variations of love marriage. Let me begin the first one. In some cases they say love happens at first sight. You look at someone and your instinct says I want to marry her. And let me tell you in such scenarios the girl or the boy will always be good looking else I am very sure what I refer to as instinct will never tell you the same when you look at not so good looking boy or girl :) Ok fine, now let us assume a guy’s instinct says yes and he proposes. The girl might take some time before saying a yes or no. Now what happens in this waiting phase? The guy is convinced that the girl is made for her and decides to wait. The girl starts thinking from all perspectives and tries to arrive at a conclusion based on her interests and the guy’s capability to take care of her interests. If the differences are less and not that major she might say a yes soon leading to marriage. If there are many differences or conflicts of interests which are substantial things take more time. What happens now? Since the guy made the initial proposal he starts to compromise a bit to ensure things go fine. Let’s say the girl wants to stay separate from in-laws after marriage. The guy though reluctant might relent to ensure he marries her. So the process of compromise or sacrificing your ideals or value system sets in. The guy starts to yield more than the girl since he made the initial proposal. (If it girl proposes first she will yield more) And it more or less becomes a pattern. The guy justifies these compromises saying it is worth for the love. After more analysis the girl says yes and they finally get married. Now let us consider post marriage scenario. The pattern of guy compromising has set in and it continues for a while. It’s all good for a while before the frustration sets to creep in. The guy starts wondering why he has to yield all the time. The ego sets in. He begins opposing. The girl who has hardly compromised till date starts complaining that her husband has changed and he is not the same as he used to be. No way can she accept her husband’s changed approach. Conflicts occur frequently since both of them are not in a position to manage. And eventually things spiral out of control leading to unhealthy outcome.

Now let me dwell on another form of love marriage. In this guy and girl are initially friends. The relationship begins with friendship. There will be constant interactions and you get to know more of each other. After a while either of them might feel that their interests are similar and begins thinking in terms of love and marriage. He or she might propose and the other party might say a yes or no. In this scenario it may not take much time to decide as they already know each other. It might end abruptly as well. For example the girl might say a strict no conveying she never looked him from that angle and she always thought you as the best friend :) or it might end positively. Let us say it ends positively. Now consider post marriage scenario. By this time more or less the platform for a good life has been laid as they were friends before and know in and out of each other. Compromises will also be there but it will be evenly balanced. In this way the relationship is more secured and the probability of leading a good life is high. I am not saying things will be hundred percent fine. All I am trying to convey it the failure rate will be low.

Now let me come to arranged marriage. A guy goes to see a girl and if the girl is good looking and if he feels positive with whatever little interaction he had with the girl he will say a yes for marriage. Post marriage if the differences are fewer things will go smooth. If the conflict of interests is more, then both will make an attempt to compromise. This is more because of societal and parental pressure. They somehow ensure things don’t go out of control. And it continues. The success rate of marriage judged in terms of getting divorced is less but to what extent the quality of life they lead is open for judgment. It all depends on the extent to which one has compromised. If the compromise is balanced they will lead a good life.

Now what’s the best option? Personally I would prefer the second form of love marriage (initially friends where in you get to know each other and then decide to marry) to arranged marriage and the first form of love marriage (you look at girl and instinctively feel she is your love) comes last in my priority.

Irrespective of the kind of marriage the essential thing in sustaining a good relation is the art of compromise. Nobody here is made for each other. Everyone will have their own interests and perspectives on many issues. Hence it is highly essential to balance these conflicts by compromising. Things will go wrong when this balance on compromises is skewed to an extreme (Either the guy compromises too much or the girl). And one more essential aspect is giving respect to your spouse interests. It implies not imposing your viewpoint or thoughts or actions on the other. I really feel that giving respect to the person as they are and compromising whenever situation arises is essential to the success of any kind of marriage. I know it is easier said but giving it a try won't do any harm either.

That’s it folks. This is my take on marriage. Any suggestions you are most welcome. If you don’t want to discuss it in blog you can mail me anytime :)

P.S: I am still a bachelor :)

To All Married Couples and Singles Who Intend To Get Married

This is an internet forward. Many might have already read it but i thought of having it in my blog. I am not sure whether its a fictional one or a real story. But reading it definitely makes sense in todays fast paced world. It goes as follows... Do not substitute I with my name though :-) :-)

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, 30% shares of my company and the car. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, res ources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.


Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me , but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a months time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped beh ind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.


She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning . She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me; she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school.



I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished. Then touch ed my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death does us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote: 'I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.


The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, the property, the bank balance that matters. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!